I love the training, the goals, and all the extra food I get to eat (except I am steering clear of purple ice cream), but the best part is I get to experience the change process that I teach at my seminar. I get to step out of my comfort zone (where I was stuck), and do something different, something new. I get excited about that because it means growth, change and more freedom.
I have noticed a lot of conversations in my head during my journey so far. Of course, all my fears are triggered about getting hurt again. I also heard from fears about being too slow, about my heart rate being too high, about my kidney health, and lots more. It is a tsunami. It never lets up, but I know that is normal and I’m ready for it.
There is one conversation, however, that keeps coming up. It involves a countdown to October 19th. It involves wanting to do well the day of the marathon. Here’s the thing. Training just started in June. I haven’t run much in six years. This is new to me and I am new to training with a group.
But there is part of me that is very demanding. She says things like, “You must be good at this by October.”
I see it in so many of us, especially those of us who are on a strength training or weight loss journey. If this doesn’t happen by October, I quit. If I don’t see the scale move, I’m done.
I understand completely. I really do. The all or nothing part of me says either run this marathon well, this October, or don’t bother.
But spirit, peace and grace keep telling me if I want to run, run and enjoy it. I might get a little better at it in 2 years, 3 years, even 4 years. Spirit, peace and grace keep asking me to take the long view.
But my ego says, “I want it now, now, now. Or I’m not doing it.”
Spirit says I am already good enough, it doesn’t matter what I run, weigh, or lift.
Peace says to relax and enjoy years of physical fitness and well being.
Grace says be gentle with myself and allow myself time to grow, heal and change.
But my ego says, “Do it perfectly so you can earn your worth. Do it now or don’t bother. Never enough, never enough.”
My ego is a short term gratification machine, with no patience at all.
Well, I know better than to listen to that voice. If it ends up I would be better off to train longer and run a marathon next year, that’s what I’ll do. If it ends up it would be better for me to not run a marathon at all, then that’s what I’ll do.
And my little self, my ego, will just have to deal with it.
And yours will, too, because we are going to learn to take the long view.
If the scale isn’t moving, we aren’t going to quit, we are going to learn how this works and recommit to the process.
If we feel weak, we aren’t going to quit, we are going to put some weights on our bar and get to work.
I know this lesson from hiking and climbing. Each step matters, and requires my total attention. I must plan and execute the step that is right before me. But eventually, I look up from the ground and look out. I see the view and how far I’ve come. It is impossible to see that while staring down at my hiking boots (or my running shoes).
If I quit, I’ll never get to see that view. And I already know it’s worth the climb. It always is.