Wednesday is October 1st. I find that hard to believe, and somewhat discouraging. Anyone else sense the short, overcast days ahead? Last winter in central Ohio was brutal. Even when the roads and walking paths were clear, it was below freezing and hard to get outside or to the treadmill. How many of you struggled to stay consistent with your exercise? I certainly did. I found myself burrowed under blankets on the couch, surrounded by space heaters and pinned down by my schnoodles.
I did well with my strength training despite the nasty weather. I almost always do. I get my 2-3 sessions of lifting in each week no matter what the season. It is important to me, but it is also my scheduled workout. I am either signed up for Body Pump class, scheduled with a friend to lift, or have written on my calendar what my plan is for the gym. I treat strength training as an unbreakable appointment.

Not always so with my walks. If it is too cold out, I’ll bail. If there is too much ice or snow, I’ll talk myself out of time on the treadmill. If I am not scheduled to walk with someone, I can easily decide I don’t have time. I just don’t have as much accountability for my cardio.

What exactly is cardio? Cardio, or cardiovascular exercise, is any activity that increases the heart rate. I believe that one of the reasons we value, schedule or make time for, strength training above cardio is we believe in it. We can see it:
Stronger muscles and definition that wasn’t there before. Pain relief once imbalances have been corrected. Better posture and core strength.

Cardio is a different beast. If you have a goal to get stronger legs, you can do leg exercises at an appropriate weight and repetition, and it happens. Same with biceps, shoulders, back. But if you have a goal of weight loss, you can’t just do cardio and make it happen. That is like aiming for a target while blindfolded. We don’t understand the truth about cardio. If we did, we would do it correctly. If we did it correctly, we would get the results we are aiming for. And we would keep going because we are seeing results. Here’s the deal:

False Belief: Cardio = aerobic.
Truth: Cardio (cardiovascular exercise) can be aerobic or anaerobic.

False Belief: Cardio is about weight loss.
Truth: Cardio (heart) vascular (lung) exercise is about heart and lung function.

False Belief: I burn fat working out aerobically or anaerobically.
Truth: My body burns fat when I exercise aerobically.

False Belief: Aerobics is a type of exercise class.
Truth: Aerobics is a description of oxygen concentration/utilization during exercise.

False Belief: I can tell I am working aerobically by how I feel.
Truth: Aerobics, from the words aero = air and bios = life, must be measured.

False Belief: I exercise aerobically but don’t burn fat.
Truth: Nope...aerobic exercise burns fat. Something else is going on.

So my question to you is this. Are you doing cardio or are you exercising aerobically?

As you know, I am training for a full marathon. I started on June 7th and we just finished our longest training run; 20 miles.

In the 15 weeks of training, I have burned approximately 3,500 calories/week from running. I track it on my heart rate monitor. One week, I burned over 6,000 calories and ran 49 miles. Now, I have eaten a little bit extra here and there. Absolutely. But look at the math. That many calories per week for 15 weeks = 15 pounds. If I were running aerobically, I would have burned off 10-15 pounds. But I am not an aerobic runner yet (some are, I am not, I run in zone 3). I got my zones measured, and not a single mile run throughout this entire training program was in my aerobic zone. Not one! Time in zone = 0

I made this decision to run anyway, knowing I was giving up my aerobic zone 1 & 2 walks (my super effective weight maintenance!) for running over the summer. Here’s what I know. As soon as this marathon is over, and I get back to Highbanks for my walks, I will burn any weight I gained right off. Do you see? I replaced my aerobic exercise that I’d been doing consistently (walks - zones 1 & 2) with anaerobic exercise (running - zone 3) and my body stopped burning fat. As in screeching halt stopped.

But, it’s been like a science experiment for me. It has been such confirmation of this truth:

You must exercise consistently and aerobically (in zones 1 and 2) to lose fat and to keep it off.

This is the mission statement. And this needs to be where empowerment and good choices come from. I know what to do! I know how to use a heart rate monitor. I know how to get my zones measured. I know how to walk in my zone. The real question, the interesting question, is this. If I know what to do, am I willing to do it?

And the answer must be yes! I know what to do and I will do it. Even if it is cold and dark and icy and depressing. Even if I don’t feel like it. I will find a way. I will schedule my aerobic workouts AND my strength workouts. I will find fitness friends to make it fun and hold me accountable. I will join the community center, get a treadmill, or find a friend with fitness equipment in their house. And I will believe in fitness again.

The root of the problem is we lost faith in fitness. We tried to do things against the way we are created with quick fixes, diets, and exercising incorrectly for our goals. We need to believe again. We need to understand how we are made. It is simple really. Aerobic exercise burns fat and keeps it off. Strength training builds muscle. Take off the blindfold and start aiming at the target like you mean it. This isn’t rocket science, it’s physiology, which to me is an incredible description of one of God’s most fascinating creations: the miracle we call the human body.

We sang the gospel song Amazing Grace today. Something happens to me when I sing that song, or try to. I never actually can because I am so choked up and overwhelmed with emotion.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear
and Grace my fears relieved
how precious did that Grace appear
the hour I first believed

Anyone reading this who has been forgiven for something they didn't deserve to be forgiven for, or was given a second chance despite their failures, can probably understand. There are some things we can't lift ourselves out of. We must be lifted out.

Last week I wrote about what happens when we try to make good choices, but are not rooted in our highest self. It is a constant battle. I try and try, but something seems to undermine me every time. Why can't I do what I know is good for me? Why is it such a battle for some of us? Why is it our shared experience that we know what to do, but don't always do it?

As many of you know, I tend to want ice cream when I am stressed (or lonely, depressed, anxious, hungry, tired, bored, in pain, scared, in need of comfort, etc.) Today I am going to focus on stress, because many women I talk to can relate to stress eating. I hear over and over:

When we are stressed and pressed for time-
When we are overwhelmed by something-
When we are angry or upset over a relationship issue-
When we are anxious and worried-
we don't make consistent healthy choices.

Food may not be your comforter of choice. Ice cream may not be your comforter of choice. It might be online shopping, a nightly glass of wine, gossip, or any other number of counterfeit comforters. It doesn't matter. What matters is our ability to choose self-love and care gets compromised under stress. Agreed?

OK, so stress is swirling round and round in my head like a merry go round. Not enough time, overwhelmed, angry and upset, stressed and anxious. I jump on. I start identifying with the story and I begin to claim it as my life; at the root.

For example, when I claimed "parentless" as my root, I felt ripped off and angry. I felt abandoned and worthless. I did not understand that I was choosing to connect my identity to a parentless life. And although the fact was my parents had died, that did not make my identity any different than it was before my losses. Losses do not have to define me. Abuse does not have to define me. Failures do not have to define me. Sickness and pain need not define me.

I am not just flesh. I am also spirit.

But what does this mean when I look in the mirror and see cellulite, or a muffin top; thighs or belly bigger than I want, or upper arms that jiggle?

You can look in the mirror and see yourself as your body. In which case, you will see all your flaws and ways your body does not live up to the standard you believe is set for a body to look like. And no matter what you do, it will never be good enough.

You can look in the mirror and see yourself as your circumstances. In which case, you will see all the problems in your life and the ways your life doesn't measure up to the standard you believe is set for a life to look. And no matter how hard you try, you will never feel safe and secure, or like you measure up.

Or you can look in the mirror and sing. Amazing Grace how sweet the sound.

And when you sing, or pray, or meditate, or walk amongst the trees, or whatever your daily practice is that invites the spirit of grace to rule over your life, you will see yourself through the eyes of grace.

What do you think your thighs look like then?
What do you think your circumstances look like then?
What happens when you invite the spirit? It lifts you out of your old identity, your false identity, your lower self.

It lifts you up into your true identity, your authentic highest self.
It reminds you that you are not your body. You are not your circumstances.

It is then you are rooted in the peace of knowing who you are, despite these things.

You can stay attached to your stress if you want to. You can stay attached to your false identity. I did for the longest time, not only because I didn't know how to do it differently. But I felt like I had every right to be the victim of my circumstances and no one was going to take that away from me. I had earned it, I had the scars. (Picture me with my middle finger in the air? That was me.)

But eventually I got sick and tired of the battle. I wanted to choose well, to be a lifelong walker, and to lift weights consistently. I wanted to feel fit and healthy, choose what foods I ate, and not feel so out of control and addicted. I learned that it was impossible to stay rooted in all that false identity and stress and make consistently healthy choices. It was my great saboteur for many, many years.

Lie: I am my body, my choices, and my circumstances.
Truth: I am a new creation in the spirit.

The beautiful thing is when you embrace your new identity, what you want changes. You do not have to fight against constant cravings anymore. Healthy choices come naturally and without the battle. It feels peaceful.

Then stress comes along again and like I said last week, plunks you right back on the old merry go round. But once you understand the process, it is not so scary or confusing. And the old cravings make sense.

It is just you, feeling momentarily lost, turning back to the old (counterfeit) ways of comfort. But now you know you are only a song, a meditation, a prayer, or a walk amongst the trees away from being back to the truth of who you are.

And in one radically conscious breath, you are again your whole, healed, very highest self. Again and again. This is your practice. This is the way out of the battle. This is amazing grace.

I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

I had the best cupcake today.

I’ve often talked about how the way I take care of myself is tightly interwoven with the way I feel about myself.

Today I can be deeply rooted in my true worth and identity, the next day I am wandering around lost looking for a morsel of approval from anyone who is willing to deal.

I am an approval junkie.

I think this is important, because at every seminar or support group I’ve ever led, I’ve asked those who are approval addicts to raise their hands. Every single person always does. There is something about this that’s linked to a struggle with self care.

It helps me to know this is my tendency. It might be more accurate to describe it as willingness to do anything on earth to avoid disapproval because I find that feeling so awful and uncomfortable.

Martha Beck puts it like this: “Being dependent on approval—so dependent that we barter away all our time, energy, and personal preferences to get it—ruins lives. It divorces us from our true selves, precludes real intimacy, and turns us into seething cesspools of suppressed rage (of course, I mean that in a nice way).”

There is a saying that everyone you meet is your teacher. I’m not sure about that, but I do believe I learn something from everyone I meet. Maybe that’s the same thing. Anyway, I recently offended someone I know with an email that was meant to be encouragement and support. I felt the hot rush of shame shoot through me when I realized it.

The first things that come up in me are defensiveness, justification and blame. But I have written over my desk these words:

“The soul takes responsibility. The ego blames and transfers responsibility. Which are you living an ego-driven or soul-centered life?” – Debbie Ford

If I want to stay soul-centered, I cannot allow myself to get defensive. As Byron Katie says, “Defense is the first act of war.” Defensiveness keeps me from being rooted in my true worth and identity and allows me to slip into my wounded self; the victim.

Truth: My response must be love. And that is so difficult.

When I am stuck in victim mode, I am the worst decision maker ever. I am self destructive. I am short term gratification all the way. Back in the day, that first cigarette after attempting to quit was often accompanied by raging thoughts along the lines of, “look what you made me DO!” I am not in my right mind in this state of being. I am not rooted in Truth, I am separated from it.

Truth: My wounded self is the worst decision maker ever. (Write this down. It is very important!)

When we are talking about health and fitness, remember the choices have to be extraordinary. So how does my wounded, broken victim self learn to make extraordinary choices? My wounded, broken victim self can’t. All she really knows how to do is blame and transfer responsibility, with favorites such as these:

See how you made me feel!

Look what you made me say.

Look what you made me do.

Look what you made me eat.

Look what you made me become.

I can’t stay in that. My job is to read, pray, sing, run, walk, dance, meditate and get myself up and out of my wounded, broken victim self and back to my whole, healed authentic self.

Truth: We choose which one shows up and makes decisions; victim or warrior.

The problem is this. We don’t keep up the daily practices that keep us rooted in our whole, healed authentic selves. We skip reading, praying, singing, running, walking, dancing and meditating because we don’t make the commitment. Then disapproval, or some other trigger, comes along and plunks us right back into our wounds.

Truth: We must create daily practices that keep us rooted in our whole, healed authentic selves.

I am learning not to wait until I am already being pulled under. I am learning to make this a priority, to commit to daily practices that help me stay rooted in the truth. Then I can show up as the warrior, not the victim. This allows me to hold space for others, no matter where they are in their walk. Nothing anyone does or says is about me. Nothing. Everyone is just working out their own battle between ego/flesh and Spirit. Suddenly I can see people without judging them and extend grace.

From that place, I can choose consistently well; my breakfast, my activity, my responses to conflict, all of it. That is the key. Choosing well. Choosing extraordinary. The goal is not to force ourselves to make better choices. The goal is to stay rooted in our authentic selves, and from that place I guarantee health and fitness and extraordinary choices come without the battle. And sometimes even includes a cupcake.

The Columbus Marathon is Sunday, October 19th in downtown Columbus and I think it is one of the best events our city has. If you’ve never been a spectator at one of these events, please put it on your calendar and GO. Call a friend that lives along the course route, and go for coffee, watch the event, and cheer for the runners and walkers. Being a spectator at the finish line is something that must be experienced to believe.

What you will see is variety. You will see every shape and size in both genders. Every age range is represented. So is every ability and disability. You’ll get to see the wheelchair race, the elite runners, and thousands of stories as they pass by. You will see determination and overcoming fear. You will see months of training, bucket lists, and comebacks. And I guarantee it will heal you of the false belief that all runners are long, lean and run without effort.

When I walk or run, I wear my little fuel belt around my waist. I’ve had it since I first started running in 2001. It’s a lifesaver. It holds a Benadryl and my Epi-pen in case of a bee sting. It also holds my car key, two tissues, my phone or iPod, whichever I’m using for music that day, and enough fuel for my run. I’ve been using Honey Stinger waffles and gels, and they have been working great to fuel my long marathon training. Any run over 90 minutes, and I need to eat to keep up my energy.

Lately I’ve been joking about my natural fuel belt that tends to hang out right around my waistline ever since I went menopostal…I mean menopausal. I happened to transition from high to low estrogen relatively early when I was 40 years old. I personally consider this an answered prayer. I was not a fan of the monthly fluctuations, the discomfort or the hassle. To me, this is freedom. I did have a few sweaty nights to contend with, but those days are long gone.

The one thing that is not gone is waistline fat storage. What…in…the…heck? Since I have been training for the big event in October, I made the choice to run which puts me in my heart rate zone 3. This is another topic entirely; however, suffice it to say since instead of walking my normal zone 2 workouts I am running my zone 3 workouts, I am storing a little extra. And it aims right for my waist.

Years ago, I did a certification course called Midlife Fitness for Women. Much of the material centered on the topic of estrogen’s role in our health and fitness. It is a very complex process that can be summarized like this: after menopause, fat will be stored near your waist. The reasons have to do with estrogen levels, storage and how important estrogen is to your heart and other vital organs.

Your fuel belt is a lifesaver!

But we just see it as an attack on the shape we used to have. I believe we need to remember this:

1.       Your body is programmed to store fat at the waistline after menopause. You cannot reprogram this. Railing against it is a waste of your personal power.

2.      Your body is doing this to ensure proper function of your vital organs, especially your heart.

3.      You are empowered to mitigate the amount you store by eating a mostly plant-based whole foods diet and staying active and fit.

4.      Walking and strength training are crucial to keeping extra weight from being stored post menopause.

We do not get to choose where our bodies store our fat tissue. We only get to choose how much. We already speak so harshly to these gorgeous bodies of ours. I hate to see it continue during a time when we would be much better served by celebrating what our bodies can actually DO.

I can spend all day anxiety-ridden about a few pounds jiggling over the waistband of my jeans, or I can keep my heart open to the fact that I just finished an 18 mile training run and am about to do a 20 miler this week. Which one sounds more radically responsible? Which one sounds more empowering? Which one sounds more healing? Yes, of course.

I will make understanding this truth part of my daily practice.
I will not abuse my body with unaccepting words.
I will be kind to my body, notice what it is capable of, and honor how it is programmed.
I will express my health and fitness every chance I get.

By lifting.
By walking.
By moving.
By being wide awake.
By understanding and celebrating who I am.

And by honoring whatever stage of life I am in, because all of this is really one giant miracle. And I don’t want to miss any of it.

An old email address of mine (not trainersue) got hacked this week. Emails were sent out to everyone in my contact list with a link embedded in the body of the email. Who knows what that link was pointed to. Most likely a computer virus. It looked suspicious, so a few friends contacted me to make sure it wasn’t me who sent it.  It definitely was not. As soon as I found out, I changed the password. Hopefully that is the end of it.

The computer is an interesting machine. It runs as it is programmed, unless it becomes infected with a virus or malware. Malware is short for malicious software, which is computer code used to disrupt normal operation. I have Norton installed on my desktop, which tries to protect me from these attacks.

But every so often one gets through.

When it does, nothing works right. Sometimes the processor slows down, sometimes the screen goes blank. It is a terrible feeling to possibly lose all those pictures, documents, and memories. I recently had to call the help desk for something like this, and Norton was great. But they don’t go in and attempt to rewrite the code in the malware. They identify it and remove it, so the basic programming can run correctly again.

I realized as I was running the other day, that we do this wrong. Our minds are programmed properly, but then we download some bad code.

I’ll never be good enough.
I’m not accepted.
I’m too far gone.
I don’t matter.
I’m too fat.
I’m not beautiful.

Just because some malware is running, doesn’t mean the whole system is damaged. We need to take some steps, like they do at the help desk, to resume right thinking.

Step 1. Identify the bad code.

We have to find the lie. This can be difficult because the lies are sneaky, and have been around a long time. They are programmed to find justifications for being there. I’ll never be good enough because my parent said so. I’ll never be good enough because look what unforgivable thing I did. I’ll never be good enough because he/she didn’t love me or stay with me. I’ll never be good enough because look at my weight.

Step 2. Remove the bad code.

I am convinced that we waste too much time trying to rewrite the code. It’s malware. It is junk. Don’t try to fix it. I was never able to change my self talk, because it was just a reflection of the thoughts that were running. The thoughts were wrong. The code was bad. It needed to be removed. One powerful download of antivirus software, and that code is gone. Gone. I don’t try to change I’m not good enough to I am good enough. I expose and remove the lie.

Step 3. Resume running the original code.

We were created perfectly, to reflect the unconditional love that is within us. That authentic code, those loving thoughts, are always there. They cannot be removed or rewritten. Once we have removed the bad code, all that is left is the real human being underneath. The real, open-hearted, authentic human being free of all self hatred, judgment and fear. The truth. I am good enough, is the original programming. We don’t need to create it, it has been written for us and in us. We just need to be free of the lies so the truth can run like it is intended.

I was stuck in a pit of self hatred for a long time. Many years. I hid it, but that code ran my mind and my life.

No good.
Damaged.
Too far gone.
Never good enough.
Worthless.

I didn’t realize the lies were just bad code, and I was the one who kept clicking on them so they would run. The writers of the code were long gone. It was me who looked at that suspicious email and clicked the link anyway, time and time again, despite the warnings.

I didn’t have to rewrite my thoughts. I didn’t have to rewrite my self talk. I tried, and it never worked. The bad code had to be removed. The anti-virus software that does that is Truth. That’s it! All it takes is knowing who you are, knowing who you were created to be, and downloading the Truth file over and over.

And every now and then, when I click a link and a bad one gets through, I just call the help desk.

As-Soon-As Syndrome is when you keep putting off exercise, promising you will start as soon as you have more time, less stress, etc.

This is the most common obstacle to being a consistent exerciser. And lack of consistency is the most common reason for not reaching our health and fitness goals.

Lie: As soon as I find the time, I will begin.
Truth: As soon as I begin, I'll find the time.

Don’t ask me why it works that way, I just know it does. For me, the perfect time to start never came. But the pain of being stuck the way I was finally outweighed the excuses and the lies.

 “And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” - Anaïs Nin

It takes risk and vulnerability to set out on this path. I understand that. I understand that if you look back on your path, you may see failures and pain. That may make you feel safer just being tight in a bud.

What if I step out and get hurt again?
What if I try and fail? What if I fall?

“There is freedom waiting for you,
On the breezes of the sky,
And you ask "What if I fall?"
Oh but my darling,
What if you fly?” – Erin Hanson

We’ve all failed and we’ve all fallen. It is OK. The brave thing, that one thing we must do, is keep going. There is nothing that can’t be forgiven and overcome. It is the belief that the mistake or misstep is so bad that glues our feet to the floor and keeps us stuck. Not anything we ever did.

And if you have come to the place where you cannot do this on your own, that is great! Pray.

Dear God,
Please rebuild my temple
And restore my body.
Please repair my relationship with food.
May that which I have used to hurt myself
Become a blessing and a blessing only
In my life.
Help me to forgive myself for my misuse of food,
And teach me how to begin again.
May I learn to eat in a holy way.
Thank you, God.
Amen. – Marianne Williamson

We need to keep going, learning, and walking this path together; honoring our bodies, our lives, and our divine nature. Remember, no one is ever too far gone and it is absolutely never too late.

I have a faded scar on the bridge of my nose. It is embarrassing to tell how it got there. When I was in elementary school, I felt awkward and chubby, even though when I look at pictures now, I was adorable. Anyway, there was a girl in my class, this was probably second grade, named Sarah, and her family went to Florida for spring break. When she came back, she had a wonderful tan and her nose was peeling. I burned with envy to look like her. Tan, happy, skinny. Everything I didn’t feel.

So when I got home, I went into the bathroom and locked the door. (Remember, this is around second grade - so 7 or 8 years old.) I got a washcloth and I scrubbed at my nose until I thought it looked like that. Maybe if I scrubbed hard enough, I could wipe away all the jokes about the song, “a boy named Sue”, or words like chunky and chubby, or the sooey call. The man at Isaly’s calling me he the day I got my short hair cut.

I woke up the next day and hurried to the mirror. Did it work? Did my nose peel overnight and make me look tan and happy and skinny? No, it was a giant scab. I looked like I’d been in a fight. I can’t remember what I told my mom I’d done. I know I didn’t tell her the truth; that I’d rubbed the skin on the bridge of my nose raw because I didn’t like the way I looked compared to the other girls.

Fifteen years later, I was in college and out with some girlfriends. It was the eighties, so I wore big sweaters with shoulder pads most of the time, which was awesome. But there were girls who were so tiny, compared to me, in their faded jeans and t-shirts, and they got a lot of attention from boys. I burned with envy, just like I had in second grade. Why can’t I look like that?

We would often stop at a 24 hour diner called Lucianno’s after a late night of bars and dancing. I remember on this night I got chicken parmesan and spaghetti, with lots of Italian bread. I got so full I felt sick, but worse yet I was in a full-blown meltdown. If I kept eating so much, I would never be thin, and therefore I would never be happy. I was convinced of this: thin = happy.

So I went home and found the syrup of ipecac my mom had always kept on hand in case of emergency. This was a fat emergency! I couldn’t take having all that food in me, so knowing making myself throw up never worked, I took a dose of ipecac. It took two hours for it to work, but when it did, it didn’t stop. I puked for hours. I hated myself that night more than I think I ever had.

I’ve never told anyone either of those stories.

Before, I probably would have felt too ashamed. But now, after a lot of healing, I am beginning to understand. I feel compassion for that younger, so darn insecure version of me. Here’s what I’ve learned since the first (and last) time I ever tried to get thin by throwing up:

~I learned to receive forgiveness and grace for all the twisted thinking of my past. And I learned to have compassion for my brokenness. I had to share my story and trust that I would be understood and loved.

~Comparison is part of our programming. I used to think I had to stop measuring, but then I heard a powerful message about comparison. The problem isn’t that we compare, it’s what we compare, or measure ourselves by. My mistake growing up was the deep connection I had made between skinny and happy. I kept trying to control and measure my weight or my skinniness or lack of it. But skinny will never mean happy.

~I had to make a shift to things that really matter. Do I understand my worth, regardless of my weight and appearance? Do I know who I am? Not through the eyes of the world, but through the eyes of the spirit? Am I living out my soul’s purpose with confidence that I matter? Those are the questions I ask myself now. And that is what I ask of the women I work with. Not to compare our journeys with one another, because remember: we are all on the same path, just at different places on the path. But rather, to encourage each other to measure the right things and work on the things that matter. Skinniness doesn’t matter and it doesn’t make us happy. The changes we each make to bring our lives more in line with the Truth are what bring health, fitness and happiness.

The really interesting thing is we are all worth the same. Hear me. We all have the same worth.

Physical appearance cannot change it.
Percent body fat cannot change it.
The number on a scale cannot change it.
Age cannot change it.
Relationship status cannot change it.
Having children or not cannot change it.
House, car, paycheck, bank account cannot change it.
Health status cannot change it.

Worth is immeasurable. We are already accepted and loved completely, at any size and shape. The hard part is receiving that and knowing it so deeply that nothing can ever make us doubt it again. That is where the soul must sit. That is the prayer. To live a life that honors the infinite worth that is already you.

Many of you know I am training for the 2014 Columbus Marathon in October. I just completed a 14 mile training run and I am feeling excited. I actually thought this was over for me. I was running a lot when I hurt my back/SI joint in 2008 and had to stop due to painful sciatica. I had two doctors tell me I would not run again, and I believed it...for awhile.

I love the training, the goals, and all the extra food I get to eat (except I am steering clear of purple ice cream), but the best part is I get to experience the change process that I teach at my seminar. I get to step out of my comfort zone (where I was stuck), and do something different, something new. I get excited about that because it means growth, change and more freedom.

I have noticed a lot of conversations in my head during my journey so far. Of course, all my fears are triggered about getting hurt again. I also heard from fears about being too slow, about my heart rate being too high, about my kidney health, and lots more. It is a tsunami. It never lets up, but I know that is normal and I’m ready for it.

There is one conversation, however, that keeps coming up. It involves a countdown to October 19th. It involves wanting to do well the day of the marathon. Here’s the thing. Training just started in June. I haven’t run much in six years. This is new to me and I am new to training with a group.

But there is part of me that is very demanding. She says things like, “You must be good at this by October.”

I see it in so many of us, especially those of us who are on a strength training or weight loss journey. If this doesn’t happen by October, I quit. If I don’t see the scale move, I’m done.

I understand completely. I really do. The all or nothing part of me says either run this marathon well, this October, or don’t bother.

But spirit, peace and grace keep telling me if I want to run, run and enjoy it. I might get a little better at it in 2 years, 3 years, even 4 years. Spirit, peace and grace keep asking me to take the long view.

But my ego says, “I want it now, now, now. Or I’m not doing it.”

Spirit says I am already good enough, it doesn’t matter what I run, weigh, or lift.
Peace says to relax and enjoy years of physical fitness and well being.
Grace says be gentle with myself and allow myself time to grow, heal and change.

But my ego says, “Do it perfectly so you can earn your worth. Do it now or don’t bother. Never enough, never enough.”

My ego is a short term gratification machine, with no patience at all.

Well, I know better than to listen to that voice. If it ends up I would be better off to train longer and run a marathon next year, that’s what I’ll do. If it ends up it would be better for me to not run a marathon at all, then that’s what I’ll do.

And my little self, my ego, will just have to deal with it.

And yours will, too, because we are going to learn to take the long view.

If the scale isn’t moving, we aren’t going to quit, we are going to learn how this works and recommit to the process.

If we feel weak, we aren’t going to quit, we are going to put some weights on our bar and get to work.

I know this lesson from hiking and climbing. Each step matters, and requires my total attention. I must plan and execute the step that is right before me. But eventually, I look up from the ground and look out. I see the view and how far I’ve come. It is impossible to see that while staring down at my hiking boots (or my running shoes).

If I quit, I’ll never get to see that view. And I already know it’s worth the climb. It always is.

A few weeks ago, a girlfriend of mine and I went to dinner at a local restaurant. We both had salads, a petit filet and asparagus. As we sat there relaxing and chatting after dinner, the waiter asked us if we wanted to try some Graeter’s ice cream. Now, I stay away from Graeter’s simply because I don’t have good control around ice cream. It is my kryptonite, so it doesn’t get to be in my freezer. But when I can get a good scoop of it, I indulge.

Raspberry flavor sounded interesting to me, so I ordered it. It was bright purple ice cream with big chunks of chocolate in it. And it was so good. I left the restaurant feeling very satisfied because I’d found a way to have a delicious treat without going overboard or feeling bad about myself.

A few days later, I found my car driving itself towards Graeter’s in uptown Westerville. “No”, I kept saying. “Yes”, said a familiar voice coming from that part of me that is weak and needy, that wants what it wants right now instead of being able to wait. The part of me that doesn’t give a crap about consequences and just wants to eat ice cream. Yeah, she’s still there.

So I went in and got a scoop of creamy, chocolaty chunky purple raspberry ice cream.

A few days later, I was doing my grocery shopping at Kroger. Had my cart filled with apples, cucumbers, cabbage, red peppers, almond milk, granola, two kinds of lettuce, brown rice, tuna, egg whites, etc. and I was scanning the ice cream isle for that yet-to-be-invented concoction that tastes amazing but is actually clean eating. I didn’t find that, but guess what I did find? I didn’t know this, but they carry Graeter’s in pints at Kroger. So I bought one. Black raspberry chocolate chip.

“No”, I whispered.

“Oh heck yeah”, she said back.

Do you know what a ½ cup serving looks like? Stop reading right now and go to your utensil drawer and pull out your ½ cup measuring cup. It is tiny! It is four bites of ice cream. But I was determined to control this, so I scooped my single serving into the ½ cup and ate it right out of that. I made sure it was level and everything.

One half cup. 270 calories. 3 miles of walking.

Those of you who know me well know what happened next. I ate another ½ cup!

Once I go this far, I usually give in and eat the whole thing right out of the carton. My justification is, “I have to get rid of this.” Like spooning it down my esophagus is the only option. I swear, I waste money on the dumbest things, but I will not throw perfectly good ice cream down the drain.

I wish I could tell you that was the end of it. I actually bought a second carton a week later and ate it in a day and a half before the strong side of me had had enough. It is not the ice cream that’s the problem, it is knowing I am doing something destructive to my own body and soul, and feeling unable to stop it. The shame is immense.

I did the only thing that has ever worked for me. I sat with my feelings; my out of control, never enough, internal battle, fear-based feelings. And I sent them love. Not hatred, love. Not condemnation, love. Big, big love. Bigger than ice cream ever can be, love. Then I prayed. “Holy Spirit come. Please help me get out of this binge and bring me back to my right mind. Calm my spirit. Remove this sugar craving. Please send Your grace and peace.”

I repeated that prayer while I prepped my healthy food for the week, I went out for a walk, and I got back on track with my soul intact. I am allowed to make mistakes. I am allowed to blow it sometimes. It does not say anything about who I am. And it does not say anything about who you are. You are a woman of great worth and strength. And perhaps you blow it sometimes. That is OK. Grace is here for you. Love will always bring you back to who you are. It’s time to let it reign.

I was a smoker for 17 years. The things people say to you when you smoke are fascinating. It is a free pass to be mean. “That will kill you, you know”, they offer helpfully. I would usually respond with dripping sarcasm (what can I say, I’m from Youngstown), but inside it hurt a lot to be treated like a moron, when really I was an addict. Those are two very different things.

The thing is I wanted to quit smoking. I really did. But I would try and fail, try again and fail.

Anti-smoking material would offer suggestions like plastering a picture of a charred black lung on your dashboard. Really? I already know what my lungs look like. I feel them when I cough. To me, that kind of information is not helpful. It just makes me feel worse that I can’t quit. It is like the bad advice of putting a picture of your “fat self” on the fridge. Please.

Lie: If I really knew what it was doing to me, I could stop.
Truth: I already know what it is doing to me. That is not enough.

I have a woman at Clear Rock who is battling her weight and she has type 2 diabetes. She went to an eye doctor recently to get her vision checked, and he brought out a chart to show her where her weight was on the chart, pointed out the obese section, then told her she was a hundred pounds overweight. Her response through tears was, “Do you really think I don’t know that?”

I know exactly how that feels. Even if it is true, it isn’t necessarily helpful.

It reminds me of when I injured my back. The first place I went specialized in something called muscle activation technique.  The second place I went was an orthopedic doctor. The third place I went was physical therapy. The fourth place I went was to a massage therapist. The fifth place I went was to the chiropractor. This was over a period of 2-3 years, and I was still in terrible pain and unable to run. None of those solved the problem. They did their best, but could only offer information about my issue.

Then I met a woman who had the exact same symptoms in her back as I did. I remember the conversation well, us realizing, “me too!” She lay on the floor one day and showed me this crazy three step stretch that pops the SI joint (lower back above the glute) in my back. Not just one pop, more like popopopopop. And the pain went away! And it’s still gone. It was a miracle cure.

When I finally quit smoking, it was my third week of a smoking cessation class at McConnell heart health center. I was still smoking, and had in fact had one right before class. The pack of Salem Slim Lights was still in the car. But they had a guest speaker that day, and he came in and talked about being a lifetime smoker. Until he quit. He mentioned everything I was struggling with! I felt like jumping up and down and saying “me too! me too!”. And I never smoked again. That pack sat in my car for two weeks, until I finally threw it out.

The Clear Rock client who went to see her doctor and was told she was obese? She will not heal her relationship with food and get fit because she gets information about where she is on a chart. She will heal when she is ready to stop turning to food for comfort when she is afraid or sad or angry. She will heal when she is ready.

We can get stuck in the quicksand of too much information on this journey. More information isn’t always helpful. Don’t you already know what to do? If you don’t, that knowledge is everywhere. Eat more fruits and vegetables. Eat plant strong whole foods. Drink water. Get good sleep. Walk. Lift. Stretch. Do it consistently. Don’t quit.

Remember in last week’s post, I talked about the moment at the well when it all came together with Helen Keller and Anne Sullivan? The catalyst for that moment, when it all comes together and it clicks, is not more information. It is more inspiration. It is belief.

Yes, I can make better choices!
Yes, I can walk almost every day in my zone!
Yes, I can quit smoking. If you can, sir, I can.
Yes, I can heal my back. Me too, me too.

Find those who inspire you to do better. Who make you believe that you, too, can do it!
Find what inspires you to keep going. Keep that fire lit and that light shining bright. It is the fire that will take you where you want to go. And it is the light that will make your path clear.