As I sat down to eat, I thought about how grateful I was that I had enough food left over for lunch the next day. I needed to get to the grocery store, but that would give me until the next evening to do it, which worked out great with my schedule.
I enjoyed every bit of my dinner. I ate slowly and really savored it. When I was done, I sat back feeling very happy and satisfied. Even felt a little proud of myself that I ate half and saved half. I got up, took the plate and silverware to the kitchen, and cleaned up.
About 15 minutes later, I walked back into the kitchen, opened the refrigerator, and scooped the rest of the shredded chicken onto a clean dinner plate along with a heap of the green beans and coleslaw. All of it. The rest of the food. On the plate.
Then I ate it.
As I finished, I sat back feeling stuffed full and sick. Why did I just eat all that? I felt awful and had to go lay down and hold my achy belly for awhile.
A few days later, I was telling my friend this story. I told her how good I felt about myself after the first plate, and how awful I felt after the second. I was telling her how I felt a total loss of control, like a zombie, shuffling to the kitchen to mindlessly shovel a second plate of food into my mouth. Wanting to stop it, but unable, it was like I was watching it happen to someone else.
As I was telling her the story, in the back of my mind I started to see myself as a young girl. I saw myself standing at the refrigerator, looking in, only to find all the food my mom had bought gone already. There's not enough. There's not enough! That's the thought that goes through me. If I wait too long, I don't get any more.
I stopped talking for a second to acknowledge what was coming up from my past. I told my friend about it. She nodded in understanding. What did I believe about food? What did I believe about there being enough?
As we talked through it, I remembered a fight (an ongoing one) I had with my ex-husband when we were married. I didn't drink beer often, but once in awhile I really liked one so I would buy a six pack of Heineken to keep in the back of the refrigerator for times like that. It never failed. When I would go to get one, they were gone. What did I believe about there being enough? There's not enough!
Bringing this shadow belief to the light, I began to understand it. No amount of control was going to stop me from going back for that second plate. No shaming weigh-ins. No counting of points. No smart phone tracking apps. No chain lock on the refrigerator door. Control was not the answer.
I needed to heal. I needed to make the shift from lie/fear (I am afraid there's not enough!) to truth (I live in incredible abundance). I needed that miracle. I needed to replace the false belief with truth.
So what is the truth? The truth is I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want, as much as I want. Period.
Thursday night, after the walking group open house, my friend and I went to City Barbeque for dinner. I got my favorite pulled chicken, coleslaw and green beans. I ate about half and took the rest home in a to-go box. I told her I was sure I was going to eat the rest before it ever got to the fridge. She said "remember to pray". So I did. I prayed that my old fear (I am afraid there's not enough!) would be replaced with the truth (I live in incredible abundance) and that I would be grateful.
I got to eat my leftover chicken and green beans for lunch the next day. Healing is possible for all of us but we must learn to work at the root. We must replace the old beliefs (lies/fear) with a new understanding of our world. We are safe, we have enough, we ARE enough, we matter greatly, and we are loved.