But I really don't know.
I can't know and I can't control it. I can only do my best in each moment. I keep telling myself, I can't control the outcome by staring at the dog! So I am going to keep living my life and have faith that everything is going to be alright.
I don't know about you, but when something scary happens and I get afraid, I start feeling a weird need for order and control. I came home from Med Vet this week and organized a whole bunch of paperwork. I know it is a false sense of security, but I did it anyway. Then I ate some ice cream.
Now that things are calming down, I am working on my daily practices that help me establish an authentic sense of security. My spiritual daily practices that remind me who I am and how much I matter.
Because things go wrong. We lose people. We lose dogs.
I learned a lesson from the loss of my dad that I'll never forget. When he died, I lost me, too. I didn't know that at the time, but I heard the voice of fear tell me that I was abandoned, worth-less, and that I should be afraid. Because I didn't know any better, I believed it. It took me almost 30 years of living with a broken sense of worth, value and purpose to realize that no matter what happens, I am still me: Loved, worthy, valued, with purpose. A whole, light-filled child of God.
I saw love rally around me in my fear this week. I saw love conquer fear. I got your emails and your texts. I felt you prop me up and encourage me. I watched fear dissipate into the cold air, while love just lit up the room. I can't control the outcome, but I can stay rooted in my true, authentic self. I can believe that there is an authentic sense of security that comes, not from being in control of things, but from knowing deeply that no matter what happens, I am loved.
Now that's security.